The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
