He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
