he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
