I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
