Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I stole a fireplace last night.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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