sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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