Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
