i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
