if i can run in heels then i can drive
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
