I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
