Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
