I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
