Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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