Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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