Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
