Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
