dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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