I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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