I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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