I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Can't talk, ducks in the car
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
