dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
