I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
