I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
