The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
