I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm at about main and main street
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
