WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
