when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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