why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
