I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
