Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
