He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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