dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
