just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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