We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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