the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
