he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
