i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
