i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
