so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
