Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
