the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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