i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
