Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
