Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
how does that bad decision feel?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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