The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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