For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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