The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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