Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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