i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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