So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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