I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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