Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
