Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
